Wednesday, October 23, 2013

A Few Reasons I Hate Deer Hunting

Mama took this
I recently worked for my dad at the butcher shop (aka the Dark Farm) during the opening of the deer hunt here in Utah. I always knew I hated the deer hunt as a child, but chalked it up to the child labor laws I was breaking. However, after four days of observation as a grown man, I realized five reasons I actually hate the deer hunt.

1. Many hunters are real true dumb. Me: "What name am I putting this deer under?" 
Customer: "I don't know." 
Me: "You don't know whose deer this is?" 
Customer: "Well a lot of us were there." 
Me: "......"

2. Size actually doesn't matter. 
Whether it has two points or 15 points, it's still a dead deer. Gathering with your fellow hunters to discuss the enormity of your horns is thinly-veiled discussion of your cocks. Not to mention, without fail, hunters who bring in deer with a "smaller rack" apologize for their misfortune. The God damn deer is dead and now you're going to apologize for its small horns? You suck as a world citizen.

3. The poor planning. 
Customer: "What's the processing time?"
Me: "About ten days to two weeks."
Customer: "Woah that's not going to work! I can't do it! I've got to be back in California in two days."
Me: "We can do a rush job. How many deer do you have?"
Customer: "Well we haven't shot one yet."
Me: "....."

4. The lack of actual skill.
Me: "You didn't gut the deer after you shot it?"
Customer: "I thought that was something you took care of."
Me (internally): "The fact you were allowed to roam in the woods with a loaded firearm astounds me."

5. Hunting to say you've hunted. 
Me: "Here's how we normally cut a deer (explanation). Does that sound ok or do you have something specific in mind?"
Customer: "Oh I'm not going to really eat it. You could throw it away if you want. I just want the cape (head and hide) Haha!" (No shit, they actually laughed.)
It's a living breathing creature for hell's sakes! Or it was. If you're going to hunt, at least participate in the intended purpose: food. If you need something to do on a weekend, or are looking for ways to solidify your manliness, take up street racing or whatever it is manly men do these days. Don't satisfy your insecurity or boredom by killing an animal you're not even going to eat.

So my hatred of this opening weekend goes much deeper than the unholy hours I worked as a kid. My grievances boil down to this one problem, the deer hunters who show no respect for the life they ended. I'm aware it's a deer and not a small child, but it's still something that died at your hands. If you're going to hunt: learn how, make the time, quit making it about your cock, and at least eat it. Although, I don't know why anyone would; wild game meat smells and tastes like sour milk. One of many reasons I myself don't hunt. 

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for this!! I too, am dumbfounded by "trophy" hunting... perhaps we should mandate that those who are making it about their cock, have to actually measure up! Hey sir, please unzip your fly... no, you definitely aren't man enough, haha!! Then process that deer for the needy and donate the hide and head to... I don't know, but somewhere! Aaron's living room?