Monday, April 9, 2012

The Baby Hunger Games

First, let's take a moment and think about the funny ways the title of this blog can be taken. I picture:
1) Babies fighting to the death for food. Not funny. Sad.
2) People battling to the death to eat babies. Disturbing.
3) On second thought, maybe I should stop. These are getting increasingly not funny.

To the point.

I want to be a dad. Real bad. I've always wanted a happy marriage and I have that. (If we are going by commitment here, I'm married. If we're going by legal status, I'm a homo.) I've always wanted a job I could be proud of where I felt like I did good things. Have that too. I'm not even going to get started on the house because I'm starting to sound really pretentious as I read these words to myself. I'm very blessed and I hope I acknowledge that often without sounding deserving.

But something's missing. Both Ammon and I feel the same way, I'm sure. Although, out loud, we've never said the words "I want kids right now," we both know it's the next step and can hardly wait. One thing that has it on both our minds is our good friends about to have their first baby. We are so excited to meet him/her (for now we call him/her Hootoo). The kid is going to have an awesome life thanks to Hootoo's equally awesome parents. We get to bask in parenthood vicariously, while leaving the constant tiredness to Hootoo's mommy and daddy. Even being baby hungry I can admit that I'm not looking forward to that. Barf.

So in the meantime... Everything else I do to improve or advance myself kind of feels like a game - to misdirect me from the fact that I don't have what I want right now. Keep myself busy for a while until the kiddos get here, so to speak. Wanna tear the house apart? Sure! Want to volunteer? Sign me up! Want to get slightly obsessed with Yoga? Seriously, I have an addiction to stretching. Help me.

Anywho, that's where I'm at. I'm happy but anxious to get what I'm really after - a family. We have our little family now and I love it. There's just someone out there who could use us as parents and until I meet them (whether through adoption or surrogacy) sometimes everything else seems like a game. Distracting me from the people (our kids) I haven't met but somehow miss.